kayateya

I htought last year wa sbad. 
two more. two more people in my life despawning within this week
then the news. the world news, the local news/
then the disagreements the air the silence
the environment the weather the arguments the abuse
and now the coping the hiding and al the distracting just to get away
because i wanted to keep my word that i wont fall as low as before again
but maybe 
despite al lthe trying
despite finally fighting
i did
still did
and this time its more my fault than it ever was

but im alive
i twill be fine right?

im running out of ropse.

5/8/17

I...shed a few tears today.
I've been feeling so off since this morning, since last night. Even now.
It's lead limbs coupled with magnified gravity.

It's been a while since I last posted anything written here. The year has been rather dark so far, with all the family stuff and personal stuff that's been bombarding me nonstop since school ended. Had I not met a certain person, it would have been easier to let these things lethally, fatally get to me more than they have ever gotten me before.
The world became a blender, and I was part of that chaos swirling inside it. The ocean of existence became a turbulent whirlpool where everything blurred into each other, until my very definition of living, distorted into nonsense and such utter mediocrity. I shriveled into a pitiful state much like a well-rounded grape turning into a dried, wrinkled prune. I was lost, overwhelmed and miserable. But most of all, I was tired.
I was curled up at the bottom of a well and the rest of the world sat outside my vision. I heard only echoes, saw only silhouettes and looked away when light came. Memories haunted me much like the mud clings to the water it once was.
Despite the depth, cold and biting winds of thought chill me to my bones.

Sometimes the distance gets to me. Some nights are harder than most. Some nights, easier. Some strike me in the middle of the day, a suffocation, an amputation, a pain.

I love silence, but sometimes the quiet feels pregnant. Like the world holding its breath before caving in on itself.

Where am I going with this?
Fuck it. Where this takes me.

Doubt was a necessary evil. I let myself stoop into the pool of that thought to accept more than desensitize myself to the idea. I made sure I understood, calculated, rationalized the plan, clinging to the idea of a future with him so bright. Doubt was something that takes place in the mind, but no place in the heart.

But tonight...Tonight I let it creep in.

I took advantage of the time my family went out to buy dinner. Cobwebs witnesses to dead air and awkward silence were punctuated by the thuds of punching walls, slammed counters, and stomping. I took pillows and screamed at them. I went to my room, locked the doors and stood. I stood for a long time forgetting the world. I reached into the void that suddenly defined reality and found agony, vibrating to the tune of the songs that have been playing in my mind since this summer fucking started.
THese songs, I noticed later on, follow a tragic pattern of contexts. THe first song, EDEN's Wake Up has been a recurring anthem that my heart beats to. Im not sure if it's the somber chord progression, EDEN's raw vocals or the context, but it all started from there. My days have admittedly been haunted by that song, perhaps due to some keywords in it. I was confused as to why it left such an impression on me. So I sought to sing it. Loud, loud, raw as I ever could, ears be damned.
I hated singing. Hearing my own voice pains me, for the thought of hearing that cancer of a wavelength was horrific, flinch-inducing. But tonight, I did not care. I let the emotions boil me and my vocal chords give way. I shouted more than I sang, until it was over but I did not feel satisfied. There was a desperation, a suffocating need to DO SOMETHING lest the pressure in my chest kill me.
Next came Sam Smith's Lay Me Down with all its reluctant inquiries and black-blue-cream tones of wishful thinking. At this point I was hunched over. Out of breath or close to emotional death, I wasn't sure. But I kept screaming. Meaning every lyric, hoping and doubting and fearing and broken all the same, trying so despairingly to perhaps comfort myself and him in tragic alternate realities that weren't so lucky (if you even call it luck). I violently implored for comfort, release from the paralyzing loom of the guillotine above my head. My voice quivered, face contorted on its own will.

But the world went darker, and now David Cook's Goodbye to the Girl depressingly tore itself from my throat in an abstract heap of contorted notes.
I never wanted to dwell there. I did entertain the thought sometimes, at my moments of weakness. These are all songs whose contexts are what I fear the most. Of lost sparks and burning out, losing traction or grip, overthinking myself into oblivion and entertaining every possible what if's. On the floor, I laid on my side and held my knees to my chest. My limbs were too numb, my chest too cold and my back feeling so vulnerable. I wanted the floor to swallow me. I wanted to sink into something, feel the ground pull me in so maybe my mind could justify the cacophony of sensations in my soul otherwise nonexistent in the physical plane to justify the pain or the feeling of drowning, the feeling of falling and so very sure nothing will catch you. Misery seeping into skin and claiming you as its own, whispering sad false realities and repeating over and over that it's my fault, and it will always be my fault.

Nausea permeated my body and rocked my senses. Who was I anyway to feel such? Why should I?
In that moment, I was nothing. But I ached all the same.

Dainty chords resounded from my phone. I must have clicked on a suggested video with my clenched grip.
The universe perhaps, took pity. Maybe it understood. Maybe it was sadistic and wanted to see me hurt before it gives me comfort. Because the device played a song by Jason Mraz. The hit I Won't Give Up.
Of all the songs I could have accidentally played, it was that. I can hear Fate laughing.
I let it play, while I stayed on the floor. Listening, grounding, breathing.
If the songs that played before were slaps back to a cold reality, then this is a hug to a warm one. A realer one.
I did not hear myself sing along to it, but my mouth tasted of the phrase: "Im still looking up", and I was.

I huffed a breath in disbelief. How could I stoop so low? Exasperated, I even laughed.
To feel the despair, this sampler taste of a inevitable agony scares me. Intimidating as it is, however, I am eager.
Eager to live and love on, to spite it. To live in a state of love and trust that transcends the idea of the anguish of such a condition. I am excited to spite it, prove to the world that finally, Ive done something right. That Im building towards something that matters more than these petty gripes I will surely leave behind in the coming years in preparation for that.

Perhaps they wont ever truly go away, but thats ok. THey have to come. It's a necessary evil, something I could use to slingshot back into heights. Maybe some other metaphor could work but tonight, I cant find myself to care.

This night, I knew what I looked like. Realizing the absurdity of the recent scenes, the current predicament.
I was too tired to care.
But perhaps for once, it's ok. Nobody was watching. Nobody but the universe.
And the universe is the only witness I need. I'll be ready for you.

Sometimes I find myself trying to take portraits, thinking my face could portray what I feel.
But
Im wrong every single time

My face
When I see the pictures I take
They carry no emotion
The eyes have the same depth as an android. It betrays nothing from the workings inside.
Thoughts unreadable, it's devoid.
Of anything I want to say.
Of anything I want the world to know.

All I want to say is
That im tired
All i want is to rest
To lay down
Have at least one whole, or even one half of a day to myself just lying down
But I cant
So I thought that maybe if I overwork myself
Clean more lift more run more help around more, if I could tire myself out and sleep and Id be left alone to sleep all day because Im understood as needing it,
I could just fall sleep
Or even just lay down
Out of pure overall exhaustion.

But Iwas wrong.
I havent been sleeping
I still cant sleep right
Not even decently at least
Dawn cracks and my eyes burn from staring
My mind makes patterns to change the unchanging ceiling
To compensate for what should have been
And now Im justleft

E x h a u s t e d
And still...yelled at
That i am doing nothing and
My debt is tallied vividly
Angry red neon reminding me that i take up space
And time

And sometimes
I find myself looking at the bottle of sleeping pills
Longer than I should
Sometimes
I find myaelf lookig at the bottle of aspirin
A little bit more
But
Maye thats hust the exhaustion speaking
It's been a while, adter all
And i have a promise to keep
Ans thats more than enouh to keep me goig
And break my own stare

It just gets...tiring to keep lookig soemtiems
It just gets tiring to not look at anything else
But im akways tired

And because of him around
Being tired... It just might be better than being dead.

Today I didn't need coffee.

Today I didn't need to feel the scalding liquid burn my throat to wake me up.
Today I didn't need to swish the amber liquid in my mouth to know that only bittersweet shit would come out.
Today I didn't need to ingest any of hazel concoction to feel the palpitations.
Today it wasn't even necessary.
I didn't need coffee to tell me there was something wrong. I've felt it myself long before the cocks crowed.

Today my heart beats violently. Annoyingly.
It's incessant. It's annoying. Thumpthump thumpthump. I want nothing but its cessation. I want my peace, achieve the static. I want to look at a point and feel still and motionless, floating in the illusion of freedom and voluntary detachment. But this fucking beating won't stop. It's become a wrecking ball underneath my ribs. It pounds away and the vibrations eat me alive. The tremors agitate me, the fissures irritate. It aches and burns and god damn it hurts to be alive
My chest cavity becomes nothing but a cavity indeed. It beats itself into becoming a dense crevice or a cold nook sucking everything in and leaving nothing to the light.
It pulses too hard. My frame quivers and threatens to fall apart just because of one absurd organ.
Or perhaps it beats as it has always had. Perhaps it is this body that nulled itself to fragility, with each little throb sending cracks down calcium sponges and pillars.
Either way, it must stop. I want it to stop i need it to stop pause pause pause stop at least just for today
at least just for today

Dumadaan ang mga araw at mapapaisip ako sa anong pamilya ang meron tayo.
Obligatory? Nandyan ka dahil nandito ako.

Ngayong umaga nandyan ang munting lambing, ang paghawak sa aking mukha at ang pagkagalak mo sa kaputian ng balat ko, hugis ng ilong ko at kakinisan ng mukha ko. Ang kasiyahan mo sa kagandahan ng itsura ko.

Paano nalang kaya kung hindi ako ganyan? Hanggang diyan lang ba ang rason ng lambing.
Porket ba ako'y galing sa tiyan mo at hindi dahil sa mga nagawa ko? Siguro bonus lang yung mga yun.

May mga araw talaga na napapaisip nalang ako sa kung anong sense ang nagagawa natin. May malaking elepante sa bahay at hindi natin magawang pagusapan.
Ano ba ang bumubuo sa pamilya? Pagmamahalang walang kundisyon? Obligasyon? Negosyon? Investment sa kinabukasan?

Maliwanag ang araw ngayon pero mabigat ang ere. Oo, tagos ang sikat pero hindi tumatagos sa balat ng puso't utak ko sa ngayon. Malamig. Malamig at ako'y manhid ngayon. Marami akong kailangan gawin pero hindi ko kayang tumayo sa hinihigaan ko ngayon.

Nandyan ang lambing pero yan ang lambing na... Walang konteksto. Ang normal at standard sa kamaganak. Wala ang lambing na intimate at malalim. Yung tahimik na lambing ng pagkakaunawa na nakakahilom sa sugatang kaluluwa.

Magkakaron ba tayo ng ganun?

Kasi bigla kong naalala na wala akong pwedeng gawin sa buhay ko na may posibleng sakit ang kalalabasan, kahit ang pagmamahal sa tao, hanggang hindi ka pa nalalagutan ng hininga.

Siguro ganun nga. Hindi ko magawa ang hindi masaktan sa mundong ito, pero nagagawa kong matago. Tutal, mas maganda iyon.

Di naman pasok sa standards mo yung mga problema ko so why bother diba? Bat ka pa nagtaka na mas nagoopen ako sa iba kesa sayo?
Nabuhay ka ng ganyan para hindi maulit saakin ang nangyari sayo. Pero parang ganun parin e. Ibang aspeto lang. Di ako makasalita. Natuto akong magtimpi, mag sinungaling magtago dahil alam kong lahat naman ng pinagsasasabi ko, ginagawa mong kompetisyon sa kung sino ang may mas masakit na buhay. Kahit napakalayo ng mga pinagdaanan natin. Kahit walang kaugnay. Kahit obvious naman na hindi ko magagawa ang ginagawa mo dahil hindi ko naman naging buhay ang sayo. Pero ganun e.
Hindi ko pa nararanasan ang may nakikinig sakin na walang husga. Ang taospusong pakikinig na walang pagiikot ng mata. Ang pakikinig na walang maasar porket hindi ako namumumuhay ng kasinghirap nila.
Ikaw sana e pero hindi rin pala.
Sinabi ko sayo ilang beses na kapag may nangyayari saakin, sasabihin ko. Pero wala. Sa standards mo wala lang yan, kaya ano pa?
Whats the point kung mashshrugg off lang naman din? Nagsayang pa ko ng hininga. Sa standards mo, ang nangyayari saaking ay wala lang, kaya technically walang nangyayari saakin. Edi wala. Sus, sinabi ko pa. Edi wag nalang para walang away diba? Dagdag lang naman yan sa pagtimpi at poot.
Hindi nalang ako umaasa na makakaopen up ako sayo sa araw na badtrip ako. Pero umasa ako na nandyan ka para yakapin ako kapag nakita mo na down ako, pero hindi rin e. Nagagalit at nababadtrip ka din.
'Wala yan sa buhay ko dati, Gwen.' sabi mo. Sabay bwisit at ang mapait na mukha dala ng kababawan ko.
'Wag mo dalhin dito yan.'
Masakit, ika nga.
Minsan napapaisip ako sa kung ano mangyayari sa household natin kung buo pa ang pamilya at nandyan pa si daddy. Feeling ko kahit papano mas makikinig yun. Tutal, mas onti pinagdaanan nun. Wala syang maikukumpara at siguro hindi lilipad sa isip niya ang pagkumpara ni isang beses.
Pero sige. Nagpapasalamat ako na pinalaki akong ganito na mas magaling mag tago. Natuto akong magsulat at masanay na mamuhay magisa. Natuto along magpasalamat lalo sa mga taong nandyan para sa akin. Natuto akong alagaan ang sarili ko sa kalooban, sa isipan dahil sagot mo naman ang pagkain at tirahan. Ouch. Bitter ko pala. Sorry po. Kahit alam kong hindi mo to makikita hanggang... Hanggang doon.
Pinagiisipan ko na siguro ganyan ka kasi ayaw mo ng drama. Siguro sawang sawa ka na dun dati pa kaya ang bilis mong makaahon sa drama ngayon, at naiinis ka sa maliliit na drama.
Siguro may feeling ka na sana mabigyan ka ng credit sa pagsurvive sa buhay mong marahas kaya naasar ka kapag namomoblema ako sa maliliit na bagay at minamaliit mo nalang.

Siguro kasi walang nagturo sayo na makinig. Kasi walang nakinig sayo. Siguro takot kang makinig kasi ang pakikinig ay dala ng commitment sa taong nagooen up, ar lahat ng nilagyan mo ng commitment nawala.

Pinapatawad kita. Pinapasanay ko nalang sarili ko ang realidad na ito na hindi tayo magkakasundo sa ganitong bagay. Mahal kita at  nais kitang samahan sa buhay mo hanggang sa katapusan. Tatanggapin ko na ganito tayo. Salamat sa lahat ng nagawa mo, at sa lahat ng natuto ko. Sa lahat ng hindi mo nagawa akoy nagpapasalamat din. Natuto rin ako dun. Kaya salamat sa lahat. Lalasapin ko nalang ang bawat lambing sa sinungaling na itoy lambing ng pagkakaunawa. Itataas ko ang halaga ng bawat yakap dahil hindi natin maaabutan ang malalim na pagmamahalan talaga, kaya sa mga sandaling lumilipas, lolokohin ko nalang ang sarili na yun yon.